Confessions.

Pas de Caskett mais c'est pour bientôt. J'ai récemment regardé la série Criminal Minds (Esprits Criminels), et je me devais d'écrire sur Jemily, même si leur relation n'est pas canon dans la série. -M

“One’s own self is well hidden from one’s own self; of all mines and treasure, one’s own is the last to be dug up” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Jennifer Jareau was only twenty-five years old when she’d joined the BAU as media liaison. Eight years later, she had seen and went through things no one would want to experience. She had been drugged, kidnapped, tortured, shot (with a vest on, thankfully). All these misadventures might have been scary, JJ was going through something even scarier. And she had been going through it alone. For months? No. For years? Yes. Though she had admitted it to herself late. Back in 2008, during a case where the UnSub they were looking for killed gay men as he was struggling with his own sexuality himself, she had told Hotch things that had never left her mind. In fact, she would sometimes say the words out loud when she was alone, trying so hard to make a sense of it all: “You said in the profile that the UnSub was targeting gay males, possibly due to his struggles with his own sexuality, right? What if the reasons Luvet let his guard down was because he could finally be who he is? No judgments, no fear. What if the UnSub is seeing a freedom in his victims that he wishes he had himself?”. Years later, after torturing herself, JJ would finally admit it to herself: she was attracted to women.

One woman had caught her eye. Not from the very first moment she saw her, but it came pretty close. Emily, on the other hand, had fallen for JJ the moment she saw her. Because yes, the woman JJ was in love with, was no other than Emily Prentiss. Her best friend. She fought those feelings, she tried to push them away. Because there was Will, but mostly there was Henry. She didn’t want to lose her kid. She didn’t want him to think she was a bad person, a bad mom. And after months of trying to find the right words to tell Will about how she felt, she finally took the time to sit down with him and tell him everything. There was yelling, tears as well, and those words from Will:

“All this time, it was all in your eyes. William Henry did say that the eyes shout what the lips fear to say”

He knew. All along, he knew, but he was scared. Though he could never be as scared as JJ had been. But she’d done it. She’d told Will how she felt about Emily. They’d talk to Henry later, when things would be calmer. But for now, JJ needed to speak to one more person: Emily. She waited an entire week before finding the courage to go to her best friend’s apartment one night after solving a tough case, yet again.

“JJ, I didn’t expect you tonight. Please, come in”

Emily had Sergio in her arms, keeping him from walking around in the residence. As JJ walked in Emily’s apartment, she pet Sergio on the head, having him purr. Emily’s smile disappeared when she noticed JJ’s expression. She looked tense, like she was about to cry.

“JJ, everything okay?”

Emily let Sergio go and turned all her attention towards her best friend. JJ came back to her senses when she felt Emily’s hand on her arm, gently stroking it.

“Do you want to sit down for a while? Do you need anything to drink? A glass of water?” asked Emily, getting no answer from JJ, freaking her out even more.

“I… God, I’m trying so hard to find the right words. I don’t seem to find them” chuckled JJ nervously.

“It’s not your habit to be at a loss of words”

“It is when it comes to you”

Silence entered the room for a while.

“Especially for what I’m about to say” added JJ.

“Jennifer, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

Jennifer. Why did she have to call her by her first name and make her heart beat faster? Why was it so hard for JJ to let the secret out? She groaned; she was frustrated. Not with Emily, but with herself. She took a few steps away from Emily, turning her back to her. The brunette gave JJ the time to gather herself so she could say what she’s been holding for so long.

“Will and I are over. Henry… Henry doesn’t know it yet but… it’s over”

“JJ, I’m so sorry. Did… did something happen? Did he… do something?” Emily asked softly.

“I’m the one who called it off. Something did happen. Something happened… a while ago”

“Do you want to…”

“Emily, if I don’t get this out right now, I don’t think I’ll ever find the courage to do it again”

Emily murmured a silenced ‘okay’ before giving JJ all the space she needed. Her best friend started walking around the living room nervously. Emily wouldn’t keep her eyes of her. What was making her feel that nervous? She had never seen her best friend like that, yet they went through horrible things together. She was vulnerable, and she was letting her see it. All of it.

“I spend most of my time telling the families of the victims that we always do everything that we can to find the UnSub who took someone away from them. And sometimes, when we need to know more about the victim, I spill my heart out to them to show them they can trust me. It is so easy to talk about feelings with strangers, I’ve been doing it for years now”

JJ chuckled nervously, not knowing herself where she was going with this. But she kept going still.

“I’m good at reading people, yet I was the worst at reading myself. Or maybe I read myself perfectly and got scared of what I saw. All I know is… it took me years to get where I am today, being here with you, tonight. I… I started wondering about who I am during a case, the one where out UnSub was gay and didn’t accept it. I even told Hotch about it, not realizing that what I was saying about the UnSub also applied to me”

Emily tried so hard not to assume what JJ was admitting before she said it herself.

“I fought these feelings for years for all the wrong reasons. I lost myself a little in doing so”

Tears were streaming down JJ’s cheeks. It took Emily a lot of self-control not to run towards her and hug her. JJ still had things to say, Emily respected that.

“Until I finally gave in and stopped lying to myself. Not only I was lying to myself, but I was also lying to Will. Lying to you. They say eyes are the window to the soul, I wish I dared looking at yours more often so you would have seen it”

“Seen what?” asked Emily, not being able to stay quiet anymore.

JJ looked at Emily for the first time since she had started talking. Their eyes met, and somehow JJ hoped that her best friend could see all the things her eyes were screaming. But she needed to say it out loud. JJ walked towards Emily, never breaking their eye contact.

“I’m in love with you, Emily”

Emily’s heart stopped right there. Both their hearts did.

“I’m in love with you, I have been for a while now. I think I first admitted it to myself when I was kidnapped and… and tortured. I was so close to giving up, I was exhausted. I wanted it all to end. And then I opened my eyes, and I saw you. You were right there, your hand stroking my temple softly. That was everything I needed”

JJ’s voice was shaky. But she’d done it. She’d told Emily how she felt about her, and she was now terrified of what her best friend was going to say.

“Do you… is there something you’d like to say?” asked JJ, nervous as hell, waiting for the brunette to say something.

“Other than I’m crazy in love with you and think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever known?”

JJ chuckled, but it wasn’t a nervous chuckle anymore. It’s like Emily’s words and smile lifted a weight off her shoulders. The brunette lifted her hand and wiped the tears away from JJ’s cheeks.

“I can’t believe this is happening” admitted Emily. “I’ve… I’ve been in love with you from the moment I laid my eyes on you, Jennifer Jareau”

Emily wrapped an arm around JJ’s waist, pulling her towards her. JJ’s heart quickened. The brunette was obviously waiting for JJ to do the first move. Their eyes met – again. The eyes, it’s all in the eyes; thought JJ. Sparks ignited as they grew closer to one another. Slowly, she moved her head closer to Emily’s. She looked down at her lips, then met her eyes again before closing them. Their lips touched a second later. JJ thought Emily’s lips were warm and soft. It felt so right. She could feel the soft tickle of her breath beneath her nose. JJ’s hands moved up to Emily’s face, touching her cheeks softly. Her whole body relaxed into the kiss. When they finally separated, their foreheads touched.

“Wow” whispered JJ.

“Exactly” answered Emily.

They smiled at each other. That stupid happy grin wouldn’t leave their faces for a while. As Emily was about to lean in for another kiss, Sergio meowed.

“Looks like he wants your attention” said JJ, laughing.

“My attention is kind on someone else right now”

“Is that so?” asked JJ, raising an eyebrow.

“Hmm hmm”

Emily didn’t wait another second, she leaned in and kissed JJ again. And again. And again…

Discovering who you are today is the first step to being who you will be tomorrow” – Mustapha Lanre Idreez